I've been meaning to offer a sacrifice instead of only being grumpy and judgmental. This was composed on July 4th, 2010. Since it's around the same time two years later and I feel obliged to submit I am submitting this. The title is taken from a piece of music composed by Fred Baty, though it has no pertinence to the poem the song is truly much better than it and if you clicked on this thread by mistake pay him a visit instead.

A Fledgling Firework - mh

There lies great tragedy in the life of a firework.
A humbly bland befitting body, 'till once it folds its work.

A life for you, be given to pleasure,
bright and beauteous, the twilight's treasure.

But will its name be ever known,
though on the mind it's magic sown.

It's duty, death before the crowd.
A suicide yet unavowed.

Weeping through the shrieks of friends
Who mercilessly met their end.

And let the world your presence felt.
And shout before your image melt.

Paint oneself on the palette of black,
and free the mind from night,
life may seem so fragile,
when the fire burns as bright.

I have to say this is a really stunning poem. The meter becomes fixed at first, almost bardic which is fitting I think, put the closing ABAB rhyme scheme with quicker metre is just the icing on the cake really. You get your message accross effectively and artfully. Really really enjoyable. Paigonz been slun.

At 6/28/12 12:11 AM, mhzinski wrote: I've been meaning to offer a sacrifice instead of only being grumpy and judgmental.

There's nothing to be said about being grumpy and judgmental, when you can also produce great quality. Someone has to fill that void these days.

This was composed on July 4th, 2010. Since it's around the same time two years later and I feel obliged to submit I am submitting this. The title is taken from a piece of music composed by Fred Baty, though it has no pertinence to the poem the song is truly much better than it and if you clicked on this thread by mistake pay him a visit instead.

Two different beasts, but I understand your sentiment and need for humility.

A Fledgling Firework - mh

There lies great tragedy in the life of a firework.
A humbly bland befitting body, 'till once it folds its work.

At first I didn't like this opening. It seemed over long. But then I started to look at the function it was serving, and I think you made a great choice with the form here. It's like the start of a firework. The anticipation.

A life for you, be given to pleasure,
bright and beauteous, the twilight's treasure.

Then you get into the main meter of the poem, and it's very quick. A thrilling shift from the slow pace you start with. I get really excited when I see writers do this, because it's a sign of presence. Of understanding what you're doing. This is what a lot of new poets overlook.

But will its name be ever known,
though on the mind it's magic sown.

It's duty, death before the crowd.
A suicide yet unavowed.

Weeping through the shrieks of friends
Who mercilessly met their end.

And let the world your presence felt.
And shout before your image melt.

Your rhyme scheme is amazing. Even though I'm not a big fan of the tone, I agree with Ekublai; you pulled it off.

Paint oneself on the palette of black,
and free the mind from night,
life may seem so fragile,
when the fire burns as bright.

This right here, this fiery end, is another example of what I was talking about early. It's like the dazzling spread of sparkles in the fact the stanza spreads out, and each line is succinct. Very well done.

I think you have great form. I'd love to see what you could do with something more solidly contemporary, but this will do for now. You should definitely write more poetry. This place lacks a good poet.

Most of what I thought to say has been said. I love this; it's proficient, intriguing and it makes the familiar unfamiliar again. Thank you.

Also love the music very much. <3